10 Common Reasons Depression & Anxiety are Tough to Shake

Anyone who knows me and the work I do with individuals struggling with mental health issues know that my chief goal forever and for always is to help people get lasting results in the shortest period of time.

This often means calling out some truths about the presenting issues that others are unaware of or are unwilling to face head on.

I'd rather you know the uncomfortable truth that helps you resolve your pain in the long run than coddle you with information that will keep you suffering for the long term. Fair enough?

One of those uncomfortable truths is that there are 10 specific reasons why people subconsciously cling to their problems. The keyword here is subconscious. People do not know that they are doing these things and that each of these patterns are reinforcing their depression & anxiety.

Before I share what these 10 reasons are that make these challenges so difficult to shake, I need to make a few very important clarifications.

Clarification #1) This list is NOT the definitive guide to understanding how to turn around these issues in full. It is simply ONE dimension that the real problem must be examined through.

Clarification #2) Depression & anxiety are not choices. They are subconscious patterns that become habituated over time. In the vast majority of cases, people are not deliberately using their problems to manipulate others or serve their own needs.

These 10 side benefits of despair become 10 ways in which those patterns can be reinforced over time at the subconscious level, which is the part of the mind that most powerfully controls our emotional and behavioral responses to our environment.

Clarification #3) The idea that people struggling with anxiety, depression, or other mental health challenges are merely looking to get attention is a falsehood in 999 out of 1,000 cases. There are some genuinely pure attention seekers out there, but the vast majority of people struggling with depression mean what they say and are not attempting to manipulate others consciously.

With that out of the way, let's dig into the 10 most common reasons why we subconsciously cling to our problems.

10 COMMON REASONS DEPRESSION & ANXIETY ARE TOUGH TO SHAKE

People are very often perplexed by why they cannot seem to shake themselves out of their depression & anxiety. It feels like they have tried EVERYTHING, but they are still suffering. Why?

There are a few very important dimensions to answering that questions, but one of the most important is in understanding that there are subconscious side benefits to states of suffering.

Many of these side benefits help to meet very profound, undeniable needs that we all have as human beings. When people cannot readily perceive of an empowering way to meet their needs, they will use a disempowering way to do so.

In short, people will violate their own personal life values in order to meet their needs.

1. People can derive a sense of significance from having big problems. Have you ever been in a conversation and told someone about something you are struggling with and they reply with "Oh, you think that's bad? The other day I..." and then they go on to tell you about how inconsequential your issue is compared to theirs? Feeling significant and unique is a deeply engrained human need that we all have. When people do not derive significance from their work or their role as a parent or from some other empowering vehicle, they will find SOME WAY to become significant, even if it is through having the biggest problem in the room.
2. Suffering with a serious problem helps reduce guilt for any wrongdoing you may have committed. Not all depressed and anxious people have done something seriously bad in their life to another, but many have. But by being in a perpetual state of suffering, they are able to feel that they are paying the price of anything that they have done and that they do not need to feel as guilty. This pattern emerges very often when someone cheats in a relationship or loses a job.
3. Suffering attracts connection, love, and sympathy from others. This IS NOT to say that people struggling are simply seeking attention. See Clarification #3 above. However, the need to feel connection and belonging with other human beings is an intense need that we all have. We are the only animal in the animal kingdom that takes 18 years of parental love and care before surviving on our own. As infants, if we are not held and loved we literally can die. In short, if we do not connect meaningfully with others through our work or a social life, we will use our problems as a vehicle to connect with others. It's not fun to acknowledge, but it is a true part of the experience for many people.
4. Suffering perpetually justifies abandoning relationships. Many depressed and anxious people conflate the source of their issues with a bad romantic partner, which is often untrue. They believe that if they can simply get space from this other person (who very often is loving and supportive in many ways), that they will be better. Sudden changes like this rarely create lasting improvement because they've confused a presenting problem with what the actual source is.
5. Having big problems can become an excuse for avoiding obligations. Very often, people with depression and anxiety will avoid facing a major challenge and begin to believe that procrastinating will aid them in improving their mental health. This is very often another instance of mistaking a symptom for the actual source of the issue. You can become habituated to the certainty that a lifestyle of avoiding the obligation brings you. After all, if you were to actually get fully over your problem that would mean that you would have no reason not to face that big obligation that you have been avoiding. This can also be a reason why people avoid doing simple daily things such as cleaning the dishes, bathing, or doing laundry.
6. Suffering with depression and anxiety can be a way of punishing others. This is very common in situations where the depressed or anxious person is a child living at home or a partner in a romantic couple. In the more extreme cases, the person suffering may claim that the other person is the source of their suffering in part or in full. In less extreme cases, the person suffering still throws their suffering at the other person in moments of disagreement. The narrative becomes "how could you do that to me (or say that to me) when you know what I'm going through?"
7. Suffering makes it difficult for others to leave you. A common pattern for depression to emerge is in response to a partner that they believe will soon be ending the relationship with them. Leaving someone who is sick would make you feel horrible, so by prolonging the recovery it prolongs the chance of the relationship ending. This can also be a justification for adult children to stay at home that both the child and the parent will use to excuse the behavior.
8. Emotional suffering justifies addictions and indulgences. People who are struggling with depression and anxiety often use drugs, alcohol, or other methods of numbing such as excessive TV as a means to "help" their problem. They can believe that they are actually dealing with one issue by creating another or that they get a "free pass" from society or the others in their life because they are suffering.
9. Suffering can be used as a way to dominate others. People can use their suffering as a way to get their way. A common form of this is by exclaiming to someone that if they do one thing in particular, it will increase the suffering person's pain. Thus, it becomes a way to preclude others from engaging in certain behavior.
10. Depression and anxiety can become a subconscious part of one's identity. It is actually possible to eliminate "a pattern of depression and anxiety," but it is impossible to help someone who confidently exclaims that "I am a manic depressive." So long as you believe that you will be forever doomed with your problem, you are right. This does not mean you can just "flip the switch" in a moment, but it is true that if you continue to believe you will never fully recover, you of course stand absolutely no chance of doing so. The most powerful force in guiding human behavior is to remain consistent with one's conception of one's identity.

CONCLUSION

The bottom line is that people will violate their deepest life values in order to meet their needs. Some very critical needs that we all have are the needs to feel significant, to connect with others, and to have something that we believe in that gives us a sense of certainty about who we are, even if that central belief is disempowering.

When you fail to seek out and embrace empowering ways to meet these needs, you will subconsciously cling to disempowering ways to do so. When you become consistently reinforced with side benefits for suffering, it makes changing much more difficult.

This is not to say that because you are depressed or anxious that you are manipulative or a bad person. It simply means that they are human and will continue to engage in behavioral and emotional patterns that you become reinforced for, whether you know it is happening or not.

The quick, natural, and lasting path to full recovery requires understanding that all emotional suffering is a temporary, reversible psychological pattern that can be interrupted and replaced with the use of the right strategies.

How many of these 10 reasons apply to you? What side benefits have you unknowingly gotten from your problems?

If you're tired of who your depression or anxiety is making you become, it's time for a change. It's time to decide to learn the simple skills tens of thousands before you have obtained to truly eliminate depression & anxiety for good.

Get clear on the source of your problem and what areas are holding you back by booking a free 45-minute call with me today.

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT

Hey everybody, how are you doing, this is Ty Hicks, I'm excited to be talking with you today because what we're doing in this series of videos is we're helping bust down the myths surrounding mental health and we're starting a brand-new invigorating conversation about how we can actually help individuals fully rehabilitate from the very dramatic states of suffering including depression, anxiety, PTSD, and addiction, all of these particular areas, and today what I wanted to share with you is something that most professionals in this field are not super willing to talk about, and it's not necessarily a very comfortable thing to talk about in terms of the dimension of this conversation, but it is absolutely critical, especially when we're trying to understand why it is that individuals cling to their issues.

Now, I'm going to use that language very purposely and yes, that's exactly what I mean. Believe it or not, we cling to our sources of suffering, so whether or not that is that we are depressed, perhaps even a suicidal tendency, perhaps we have very debilitating anxiety, perhaps we identify with the term chronic stress, perhaps we're dealing with some very significant anger issues, perhaps we're dealing with trauma even, one thing that I want you to understand about these issues, regardless of whether you in particular are suffering or if there's somebody else in your life that is suffering, is I am by no means belittling the experience at all.

I understand that these experiences are incredibly debilitating. I understand they're very painful to be going through and I know that on a conscious level, no individual would choose to engage in this form of suffering. So I'm by no means indicating that this is something that individuals are consciously using in order to manipulate others or to try to selfishly serve their own needs, I'm not saying that they are achieving that at a conscious level, but what I do want to make sure that you understand, and this is something that you may have already discovered in one of our other conversations, is that a profound reason why these issues seem so sticky, a profound reason why these modes of suffering seem like they're inescapable very often when we're inside of them, is that they happen at the level of the subconscious mind.

Consciously, at the level of our actual active thoughts, we know that we want our life to look differently right? We know that we want better relationships, better finances, a better career, more motivation, we want to feel excited everyday, etc. We know where we want to take our life in general terms but why is it that we keep getting held back?

It's like we're pressing down on the accelerator with the emergency break on at the same time, and the reason why that happens my friends, is because these patterns that keep us at bay are happening at the subconscious level. That's why they are so difficult to put our finger on and for us to be able to actually learn how to reverse unless you actually have an experienced guy who knows how to get you to that place and can show you how to interrupt those patterns.

So everything that we're exploring here in terms of anxiety, depression, any of these kinds of forms of suffering is happening at both the conscious level and the subconscious level and in most cases, the vast majority of the issue is actually at a subconscious level. So what I want to open up our conversation with today is helping you to understand what the 10 most common ways are in which individuals will subconsciously cling to their problems. And why is this important?

Well, it's important because if you can understand what some of the side benefits are of being in a state of despair, and there's lots of different forms of that, then we can start to engage in a new conversation about how we can meet those needs through empowering vehicles as opposed to disempowering vehicles, and we can start to actually chart a path to actually getting to full recovery, which is an exciting journey obviously.

So let's dive in right away, and these, in my experience working with individuals in terms of their mental health, helping them reverse their anxiety and depression, I found that these 10 are the most common that surface in any sort of situation, whether it is in regards to trauma, substance abuse, anxiety and depression, especially those latter two.

So here's the first one. The first one is that when we have a pattern of suffering, which I'll just refer to it as a pattern of suffering because I know there's a lot of different forms that I just listed a moment ago, but when we are in a consistent pattern of suffering, one of the first things that happens from that is it enables us to reduce our own guilt. So if there is something that we've been actually guilty of doing in our own life and we have actually caused a bad series of events to befall somebody else in our life and we too now are entering into that situation with some very negative feelings by embracing a feeling of suffering, one of the side benefits that we get is it helps us reduce guilt.

We feel that if we're in a lot of pain, it enables us to relieve the amount of guilt that we're feeling for what we may have done to somebody else. So I very often see this in romantic relationships in particular, where say a husband may have committed some infidelity, or a wife, and what will happen is the husband or the wife will then fall into a mode of depression, for example, and by bringing the attention and the focus to the fact that they are depressed, they feel like they are contributing a form of penance, and so thereby reducing the amount of guilt they have for any actual wrongdoing that they may have committed. It doesn't have to be an infidelity situation. It could be all sorts of different things, but that's one of the very first things that our suffering enables us to do is make us feel less guilty for the things we actually should be taking responsibility for, sSo it's a very important thing to take notice of.

Now the second thing that our mode of suffering enables us to do, which is destructive in the long term, is it actually brings sympathy from other people, and this is especially particularly unique to the form of suffering of depression. So when people are in a state of depression, even suicidal depression, what you'll experience is that these individuals at a subconscious level quite literally are crying out for attention and and again, by no means am I belittling the experience. I'm not saying that people are choosing to be depressed to get attention. That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying, however, is that we have profound human needs at the subconscious level, and our subconscious mind will do strange things in order to make sure that those needs get met, and so if we can become conscious of what our subconscious mind is doing, we can adjust the patterns of our subconscious mind in order to actually match up with the wishes of our conscious mind.

So that's what I'm trying to help you do here and what happens in virtually any instance where somebody is exhibiting extreme anxiety or depression is they are getting sympathy in a connection from somebody in their life in almost every case. Now if there aren't many people in their life that they're actually getting sympathy and connection from, what they will actually be able to do is connect with themselves. So this is not the subject of this video, but there are six profound human needs that guide all human behavior. This stems from human needs psychology and it's a very important way to look at all human behavior because when you start to understand this, you'll see why it is that we do what we do. But one of those needs is connection.

We are hardwired for connection, and you know this. It's absolutely integral to the entire human experience, to connect with other people, because it's a survival mechanism, right? We have to be connected or else we we die. That's how we evolved. So we have to be able to feel connected with others and if we can't find an empowering vehicle to do that, very often, the subconscious mind will install a disempowering vehicle to help us get connection with other people. Now, if we are even suffering and failing to get connection with other people, we won't even connect with ourselves, so what we'll do in a depressed state is we'll get depressed, we'll be downward, we'll be sad, and we'll go inside of ourselves and connect with ourselves and give ourselves sympathy, because by God, we've earned it. It's kind of the mentality there with somebody who's dealing with depression, and again, none of this is hearsay, this is all from direct observations of individuals who are dealing with these issues and helping them fully rehabilitated in a very short period of time.

So this pattern is, in almost every single one of these cases, there is somebody or someone that they're getting some level of sympathy and connection from because of their problem, and they will cling to their problem for that reason. Now one of the other big reasons. So our third out of 10 reasons why people will cling to their state of suffering is that it will actually enable somebody to justify leaving a relationship. So this is particularly seen, especially in familial relationships or romantic relationships, I've had clients who have been in a situation where they're exhibiting depression and by the time they actually come into my office, they have already severed ties with somebody in their life, whether it was the best friend or lover or somebody in their family, and in their own mind because they are suffering so deeply and because this person in their life they associate as being a trigger for part of why they're suffering, they will therefore justify leaving and ending the relationship, so it becomes easier to just cut off somebody else and claim that they are doing something to you, that they are making you feel a certain way, and therefore it's easy to remove them from your life and very often, again, probably at least nine out of 10 cases.

I've found with my clients is that is not a long-term formula for success and happiness. There are those rare, very rare occurrences where perhaps the very best thing is for a real separation to take place, but very often, if somebody is exhibiting depression and they've severed a relationship, they did not really mean to sever that relationship because who we show up as when we are suffering is the worst part of ourselves, and so when we make decisions from that state of suffering, it's always the wrong decision, and so what I find is that people truly did not mean to cut those people out of their lives, it's just that they felt an act of desperation was needed. And perhaps even a level of impatience and the fact that they're suffering so much makes them feel a little bit better about actually ending things. So that's a third important reason.

Now a fourth reason why people cling to their problems is that very often the suffering that you're experiencing as a pattern can become an excuse for avoiding obligations. So I find that this is especially, particularly common with parents who are depressed. Again, not every depressed parent, because I've also worked with depressed parents who don't take care of themselves at all but absolutely make sure that their children are taken care of and it doesn't have to just be parents though, so it could be, I've seen it in virtually every age group imaginable, but very often when you're dealing with depression or you're dealing with anxiety or trauma or substance abuse or some of these issues, what will happen is you will be able to justify for yourself to others why it is you're able to avoid obligations.

So particularly this is also common when individuals are unemployed and they will become depressed or have anxiety patterns and then they will use that as part of the reason why they can feel justified in not pursuing work, because how could they possibly go back to work if they're depressed. Well, in fact, part of the reason why most people are depressed, one of the big leading causes as to why people get into that state is because they're lacking meaning, they're lacking purpose in their life and that very often is tied to employment. So one of the absolute best things to do, it's not the full solution, but one of the best things to do when you are in a depressed state is to make sure you're consistently looking to bring purpose into your life and that you are actively searching to be useful to other human beings, because that is one of the quickest antidotes to depression. So avoiding obligations. We will use our suffering as an excuse to do that.

Number five. We use our suffering as a way to punish other people, and I know that that's not a fun thing to say, it's not a fun thing to hear, it's not a fun thing to think about, especially when you are depressed or anxious but it's true. It really is true, when especially again, this shows up in relationships all the time so romantic relationships, familial relationships, if somebody is suffering, they will use the fact that they're suffering to justify getting connection from other people, justify leaving people, justify avoiding obligations and to justify punishing other people. So they will use the fact that they are suffering as punishment to somebody else. Somebody else does something that irritates them or upsets them, as opposed to just handling it with a cool, cool and calm head, they will, they will use the fact that they're in a state of depression or whatever label they've associated themselves and they will make the other person feel bad as having instigated the suffering even moreso, and especially once you come to understand the truth, which is that depression and anxiety are not permanent diseases of the mind, but instead are temporary, fully changeable psychological patterns, then you start to realize that it's a really ugly thing that we do when we tend to put this blame on other people and punish them because we feel that we're going to stay the pain. There's no grounding for it at the deepest metaphysical level. So it's a really ugly thing but it is definitely a part of the mental health conversation that we need to make sure is understood.

Now a seventh reason why we cling to our problems very often is that it will actually help us justify indulgences. So this is a really serious issue for individuals. So when you end up getting into a state of depression or chronic anxiety, very often what will happen is you will seek a mechanism to numb, and so some people numb by going and working a lot, being a workaholic. Some people numb by drinking alcohol, doing drugs, smoking marijuana, even . on the lower less extreme ends, playing a ton of video games, watching a bunch of junk television, there's all sorts of ways to numb. Everybody does it. Some people will simply stonewall and just try to shut their whole mind down and go inside and push it down, which is never a good lasting solution because it's always bubbling underneath the surface. So you don't want to be in this predicament where you're now coupling one form of suffering with another, and when you're taking something like depression and then piling alcohol on it or piling pharmaceuticals or piling some sort of prescription drugs, that you might be using as an indulgence, it really becomes a cocktail of disaster. You don't want to be in that sort of situation.

So the first step is to understand that you're using the fact that you're suffering to justify something that you know at the deepest level is in fact an indulgence. And the second form of starting the path to rehabilitation is obviously you've got to figure out how it is. You're going to become aware of these internal subconscious patterns that are holding you at bay, and you've got to figure out how to reverse those, clearly. You've got to understand the very simple, direct strategies and insights that will help you turn that type of thing around. Now, forgive me because I just actually skipped to number seven, I forgot number six.

So number six is that when you're in a state of suffering, you actually will make it very difficult for somebody to leave you and that's another form in which we will use our suffering subconsciously to try to manipulate other people. Again, not a really nice thing to think about, but it is absolutely true. It is a pattern that undeniably shows in my work, time and time again with individuals I work with through all sorts of different forms of psychological suffering. So if you're in a state of depression, you're in chronic anxiety. you're having anxiety attacks, you're dealing with substance abuse, whatever, it's as if you had like cancer or something like that, somebody's gonna feel guilty about potentially ending a relationship even if over a very long period of time, you've actually been draining their batteries for a long period, they don't feel energized around you and they know that being in the relationship is not best for them, you can end up using this to try to make sure that you're accounting for the fear you have that they may leave you.

So when you're particularly afraid somebody might leave you, you will especially cling to your problem and amplify it subconsciously so that the person will feel guilty and hopefully decide to not leave you, and that's just a game that no one wants to play. That is not how you need to be living your life. There's so much better ways to improve your relationships, to improve your mental health and improve your overall spiritual journey of growth. So that's no fun for anybody. Number eight. You can actually use your suffering as a way to dominate other people. So not just keep them from leaving you, not just justify leaving people but actually dominate other people. So one of the most common ways in which this is used is, especially for individuals who are suicidal, who are vocally suicidal, so in my experience, there are essentially two forms of suicidal individuals, the individuals that are trying to push all their feelings down and went up getting to a spot where they believe that they have to take matters in their own hands, that they have to create some form of a solution to their problem because no one else would understand what they're going through, and no one else is going to be able to actually help them and therefore they arrive at the conclusion that the only thing that could possibly do is in their own life. That was the form of suicidal person that I was during my darkest period of my life.

The second form of suicidal person is the suicidal person who is much more visible and vocal about it. This is the individual who has had attempts but the attempts were maybe not as thought through or as serious or as very intentional to actually in their life, but when we actually look at the actual deep down reason we realized it was actually a cry for help, that these people were consciously choosing to try to get somebody to notice what was happening. I'm not at all saying that they were just trying to get attention, although I have to do my due diligence as a professional and point out that yes, that is a piece of this equation.

But the other piece of the equation is that they do want help, that they do want to get out of their situation and, especially when they feel like no one is listening to them or feeling like they're being taken seriously, putting a visible cut somewhere or engaging in self harm practices can be very often the subconscious speaking out and saying, "Hey, we got to put a signal out there somehow to get somebody's attention." I'm not at all justifying it, I'm not. All saying that it should be behavior that's pursued. There are far better ways to actually raise your hand and say "hey, can I get some help," but it is very often what the subconscious mind will lead us to do. So, we can end up dominating other people with threats of suicide, by using our suffering as a weapon against other people. It's again, not a nice thing to think about, but it is true and it's important to understand. Now number nine. Number nine reason why we cling to our suffering is because we get significance from our suffering. So we have a culture that prides significance in a very big way, especially on individualist terms, everything comes down to, in one sense, what we've achieved and what we've done and how many stars there are on our chart, and so very often, you'll see, and you don't necessarily have to be around people who are depressed or filled with anxiety to notice this issue, but what you'll see very often is a one- ups-manship of how bad we have it, and again, that is just a game I'm not interested in being the winner of, I don't know about you, but there are so many better ways to live the game of life than to be trying to go around your world claiming that you have the biggest problem in the room, and that therefore you deserve the most attention and significance.

So again, not a fun thing to think about, not a very comfortable thing to recognize as a pattern in yourself, but a very important thing to recognize so you can start the path of rehabilitation. People are addicted to having problems and that is a big reason why they actually cling to them, and one of the ways in which you'll actually see this happen is when somebody has depression, anxiety, traumatic disorder or PTSD or one of these sorts of things, and they've ascribed a label to themselves, one thing that will happen, watch for this, if this is you, watch out for this and if you're a friend of somebody who's got this type of disorder, keep an eye out for this, but what will happen in so many cases is the individual who has the suffering will start talking about their suffering, and then the friend or the family member or whoever will try to be supportive, will try to encourage the other person, will try to tell them, "hey, maybe things aren't so bad, maybe you actually have things to be grateful for or things to be positive about or maybe all you need to do is go talk to somebody or whatever the case is, and what's really fascinating is when somebody in their life tries to actually help them, the person who suffering will very often snap back at that person or completely dismiss their advice and the reason is that at the subconscious level, they want to hold on to their problem.

They don't want somebody to come to them and say, "hey, maybe you're not depressed," because the depression is the literal way in which they are getting significance, and it doesn't have to be depression by the way, it could be any of these things I've mentioned, substance abuse, whatever the case is, it's all fundamentally the same. It's all fundamentally psychological, That's what it comes down to, and if you learn how to reverse those patterns and interrupt them and replace them, then you master the entire equation. You never have to live in fear ever again. But this is one of the critical ways that we have to understand that we end up clinging to our problems is we come significant because of our problems.

Again, this is one of those profound needs. I mentioned those six needs. Connection is one of them, significance is another one. Every human being has got to feel that they're unique, special, worthy of attention and love in some unique way, they have to feel significant, and if we don't have an empowering vehicle by which we will feel significant, if we're not getting significance because of our contributions to other people or because of our career because of improving our health or any of these sorts of empowering vehicles, we will end up clinging to a disempowering vehicle that actually conflicts with our deepest values and definitions of who we are in order to meet these profound needs that we have.

So if we understand that and if we can notice that pattern in ourselves and others, we can start to actually chart how we could actually use an empowering vehicle to meet our need for significance as opposed to a disempowering vehicle. So that's a very important thing to take note of. Now the tenth and final reason why people cling to their problems is because they have assimilated it as a part of their identity. And this is where change becomes particularly difficult and this is why I have such a sincere professional disagreement with the majority of professionals in the mental health space who seek to diagnose and label people, giving them labels such as generalized anxiety, disorder, manic depressive disorder, bipolar disorder, type A and type B.

All of it fundamentally, at the mechanical level of your nervous system comes down to temporary, changeable, controllable psychological patterns. Let me ask you, have you ever had a time in your life where you either picked up a habit or you dropped a habit? Maybe you started working out consistently or you went from being obese to dieting or just the opposite perhaps, or maybe you started smoking cigarettes or you quit cigarettes or whatever the case was. Think of a time like that where you had to make a serious life change and remember how foreign that new behavior was for a while until it became automatic. Well, the mind works exactly the same way. It comes down to a matter of conditioning, but the problem is it's happening at the subconscious level.

These issues of mental health are happening at a level that goes deeper than our conscious mind, meaning that we can't just use self-help methods and quick tips and little things like that actually create a fully sustainable solution in which we eliminate the problem from the source. That requires an experienced guide who understands the mechanisms of the subconscious mind and can help you actually learn the very simple daily disciplines you need to reverse your own psychological conditioning so that you can make sure that instead of habitually becoming depressed and habitually becoming filled with anxiety, you can actually shift your emotional center of gravity so that your new center of gravity becomes a place of joy, excitement, exhilaration, passion, wonder, curiosity. It doesn't mean you're never going to get stressed again, doesn't mean you're never going to get angry again, but it makes it so that instead of you being at a level seven depressed on most days, and therefore on your bad days you go to like a 10, it means that most days you'll actually be joyful. You'll be confident.

You'll be excited. It means our emotional center of gravity has shifted, so even when life comes at you and throws unexpected things at you, you're prepared, you're ready, you're more resourceful, your emotional fitness has been increased. That's the journey that I take my clients through and the journey that I think you wish for yourself as well. You want to not just be able to have a quick fix. You want to be able to take this problem from the root and tear it out and be able to make sure you don't have to live in fear of it dominating you anymore. So anyway, I'm sorry, quick aside, but the tenth and final reason I mentioned is identity.

So when we get these labels, when we go to a professional and they give us one of these labels, guess what happens. Something that is actually a changeable, controllable, temporary psychological pattern now becomes part of who we believe we are, and it becomes much more difficult to change an actual pattern of behavior or thought when you believe it's a part of who you are, when you believe it's a disease you have, when you believe that you are broken, as opposed to simply, you got off track and you need a little bit more coaching and processing to make sure that you get the right strategies to get back on track.

And hey, look I did it. You're probably skeptical that this is something can actually turn around for you and you know what, to be honest, I'm not sure if it is either because you also have to have three characteristics in order to make lasting change in any area, without a doubt, regardless of whether you work with me and my team to make it happen or somebody else. So if you're curious what those are, if you're curious, if this is something you can actually turn around and a quick period of time, I encourage you shoot us a message, schedule a call with us, do whatever you need to do so that you can actually get the answers you need to actually figure out how you can fully eliminate this problem of yours and get on a path of real sustainable progress. It's possible, it can be yours. I'm excited to talk to you again soon. Take care for now.Hey everybody, how are you doing, this is Ty Hicks, I'm excited to be talking with you today because what we're doing in this series of videos is we're helping bust down the myths surrounding mental health and we're starting a brand-new invigorating conversation about how we can actually help individuals fully rehabilitate from the very dramatic states of suffering including depression, anxiety, PTSD, and addiction, all of these particular areas, and today what I wanted to share with you is something that most professionals in this field are not super willing to talk about, and it's not necessarily a very comfortable thing to talk about in terms of the dimension of this conversation, but it is absolutely critical, especially when we're trying to understand why it is that individuals cling to their issues.

Now, I'm going to use that language very purposely and yes, that's exactly what I mean. Believe it or not, we cling to our sources of suffering, so whether or not that is that we are depressed, perhaps even a suicidal tendency, perhaps we have very debilitating anxiety, perhaps we identify with the term chronic stress, perhaps we're dealing with some very significant anger issues, perhaps we're dealing with trauma even, one thing that I want you to understand about these issues, regardless of whether you in particular are suffering or if there's somebody else in your life that is suffering, is I am by no means belittling the experience at all.

I understand that these experiences are incredibly debilitating. I understand they're very painful to be going through and I know that on a conscious level, no individual would choose to engage in this form of suffering. So I'm by no means indicating that this is something that individuals are consciously using in order to manipulate others or to try to selfishly serve their own needs, I'm not saying that they are achieving that at a conscious level, but what I do want to make sure that you understand, and this is something that you may have already discovered in one of our other conversations, is that a profound reason why these issues seem so sticky, a profound reason why these modes of suffering seem like they're inescapable very often when we're inside of them, is that they happen at the level of the subconscious mind.

Consciously, at the level of our actual active thoughts, we know that we want our life to look differently right? We know that we want better relationships, better finances, a better career, more motivation, we want to feel excited everyday, etc. We know where we want to take our life in general terms but why is it that we keep getting held back?

It's like we're pressing down on the accelerator with the emergency break on at the same time, and the reason why that happens my friends, is because these patterns that keep us at bay are happening at the subconscious level. That's why they are so difficult to put our finger on and for us to be able to actually learn how to reverse unless you actually have an experienced guy who knows how to get you to that place and can show you how to interrupt those patterns.

So everything that we're exploring here in terms of anxiety, depression, any of these kinds of forms of suffering is happening at both the conscious level and the subconscious level and in most cases, the vast majority of the issue is actually at a subconscious level. So what I want to open up our conversation with today is helping you to understand what the 10 most common ways are in which individuals will subconsciously cling to their problems. And why is this important?

Well, it's important because if you can understand what some of the side benefits are of being in a state of despair, and there's lots of different forms of that, then we can start to engage in a new conversation about how we can meet those needs through empowering vehicles as opposed to disempowering vehicles, and we can start to actually chart a path to actually getting to full recovery, which is an exciting journey obviously.

So let's dive in right away, and these, in my experience working with individuals in terms of their mental health, helping them reverse their anxiety and depression, I found that these 10 are the most common that surface in any sort of situation, whether it is in regards to trauma, substance abuse, anxiety and depression, especially those latter two.

So here's the first one. The first one is that when we have a pattern of suffering, which I'll just refer to it as a pattern of suffering because I know there's a lot of different forms that I just listed a moment ago, but when we are in a consistent pattern of suffering, one of the first things that happens from that is it enables us to reduce our own guilt. So if there is something that we've been actually guilty of doing in our own life and we have actually caused a bad series of events to befall somebody else in our life and we too now are entering into that situation with some very negative feelings by embracing a feeling of suffering, one of the side benefits that we get is it helps us reduce guilt.

We feel that if we're in a lot of pain, it enables us to relieve the amount of guilt that we're feeling for what we may have done to somebody else. So I very often see this in romantic relationships in particular, where say a husband may have committed some infidelity, or a wife, and what will happen is the husband or the wife will then fall into a mode of depression, for example, and by bringing the attention and the focus to the fact that they are depressed, they feel like they are contributing a form of penance, and so thereby reducing the amount of guilt they have for any actual wrongdoing that they may have committed. It doesn't have to be an infidelity situation. It could be all sorts of different things, but that's one of the very first things that our suffering enables us to do is make us feel less guilty for the things we actually should be taking responsibility for, sSo it's a very important thing to take notice of.

Now the second thing that our mode of suffering enables us to do, which is destructive in the long term, is it actually brings sympathy from other people, and this is especially particularly unique to the form of suffering of depression. So when people are in a state of depression, even suicidal depression, what you'll experience is that these individuals at a subconscious level quite literally are crying out for attention and and again, by no means am I belittling the experience. I'm not saying that people are choosing to be depressed to get attention. That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying, however, is that we have profound human needs at the subconscious level, and our subconscious mind will do strange things in order to make sure that those needs get met, and so if we can become conscious of what our subconscious mind is doing, we can adjust the patterns of our subconscious mind in order to actually match up with the wishes of our conscious mind.

So that's what I'm trying to help you do here and what happens in virtually any instance where somebody is exhibiting extreme anxiety or depression is they are getting sympathy in a connection from somebody in their life in almost every case. Now if there aren't many people in their life that they're actually getting sympathy and connection from, what they will actually be able to do is connect with themselves. So this is not the subject of this video, but there are six profound human needs that guide all human behavior. This stems from human needs psychology and it's a very important way to look at all human behavior because when you start to understand this, you'll see why it is that we do what we do. But one of those needs is connection.

We are hardwired for connection, and you know this. It's absolutely integral to the entire human experience, to connect with other people, because it's a survival mechanism, right? We have to be connected or else we we die. That's how we evolved. So we have to be able to feel connected with others and if we can't find an empowering vehicle to do that, very often, the subconscious mind will install a disempowering vehicle to help us get connection with other people. Now, if we are even suffering and failing to get connection with other people, we won't even connect with ourselves, so what we'll do in a depressed state is we'll get depressed, we'll be downward, we'll be sad, and we'll go inside of ourselves and connect with ourselves and give ourselves sympathy, because by God, we've earned it. It's kind of the mentality there with somebody who's dealing with depression, and again, none of this is hearsay, this is all from direct observations of individuals who are dealing with these issues and helping them fully rehabilitated in a very short period of time.

So this pattern is, in almost every single one of these cases, there is somebody or someone that they're getting some level of sympathy and connection from because of their problem, and they will cling to their problem for that reason. Now one of the other big reasons. So our third out of 10 reasons why people will cling to their state of suffering is that it will actually enable somebody to justify leaving a relationship. So this is particularly seen, especially in familial relationships or romantic relationships, I've had clients who have been in a situation where they're exhibiting depression and by the time they actually come into my office, they have already severed ties with somebody in their life, whether it was the best friend or lover or somebody in their family, and in their own mind because they are suffering so deeply and because this person in their life they associate as being a trigger for part of why they're suffering, they will therefore justify leaving and ending the relationship, so it becomes easier to just cut off somebody else and claim that they are doing something to you, that they are making you feel a certain way, and therefore it's easy to remove them from your life and very often, again, probably at least nine out of 10 cases.

I've found with my clients is that is not a long-term formula for success and happiness. There are those rare, very rare occurrences where perhaps the very best thing is for a real separation to take place, but very often, if somebody is exhibiting depression and they've severed a relationship, they did not really mean to sever that relationship because who we show up as when we are suffering is the worst part of ourselves, and so when we make decisions from that state of suffering, it's always the wrong decision, and so what I find is that people truly did not mean to cut those people out of their lives, it's just that they felt an act of desperation was needed. And perhaps even a level of impatience and the fact that they're suffering so much makes them feel a little bit better about actually ending things. So that's a third important reason.

Now a fourth reason why people cling to their problems is that very often the suffering that you're experiencing as a pattern can become an excuse for avoiding obligations. So I find that this is especially, particularly common with parents who are depressed. Again, not every depressed parent, because I've also worked with depressed parents who don't take care of themselves at all but absolutely make sure that their children are taken care of and it doesn't have to just be parents though, so it could be, I've seen it in virtually every age group imaginable, but very often when you're dealing with depression or you're dealing with anxiety or trauma or substance abuse or some of these issues, what will happen is you will be able to justify for yourself to others why it is you're able to avoid obligations.

So particularly this is also common when individuals are unemployed and they will become depressed or have anxiety patterns and then they will use that as part of the reason why they can feel justified in not pursuing work, because how could they possibly go back to work if they're depressed. Well, in fact, part of the reason why most people are depressed, one of the big leading causes as to why people get into that state is because they're lacking meaning, they're lacking purpose in their life and that very often is tied to employment. So one of the absolute best things to do, it's not the full solution, but one of the best things to do when you are in a depressed state is to make sure you're consistently looking to bring purpose into your life and that you are actively searching to be useful to other human beings, because that is one of the quickest antidotes to depression. So avoiding obligations. We will use our suffering as an excuse to do that.

Number five. We use our suffering as a way to punish other people, and I know that that's not a fun thing to say, it's not a fun thing to hear, it's not a fun thing to think about, especially when you are depressed or anxious but it's true. It really is true, when especially again, this shows up in relationships all the time so romantic relationships, familial relationships, if somebody is suffering, they will use the fact that they're suffering to justify getting connection from other people, justify leaving people, justify avoiding obligations and to justify punishing other people. So they will use the fact that they are suffering as punishment to somebody else. Somebody else does something that irritates them or upsets them, as opposed to just handling it with a cool, cool and calm head, they will, they will use the fact that they're in a state of depression or whatever label they've associated themselves and they will make the other person feel bad as having instigated the suffering even moreso, and especially once you come to understand the truth, which is that depression and anxiety are not permanent diseases of the mind, but instead are temporary, fully changeable psychological patterns, then you start to realize that it's a really ugly thing that we do when we tend to put this blame on other people and punish them because we feel that we're going to stay the pain. There's no grounding for it at the deepest metaphysical level. So it's a really ugly thing but it is definitely a part of the mental health conversation that we need to make sure is understood.

Now a seventh reason why we cling to our problems very often is that it will actually help us justify indulgences. So this is a really serious issue for individuals. So when you end up getting into a state of depression or chronic anxiety, very often what will happen is you will seek a mechanism to numb, and so some people numb by going and working a lot, being a workaholic. Some people numb by drinking alcohol, doing drugs, smoking marijuana, even . on the lower less extreme ends, playing a ton of video games, watching a bunch of junk television, there's all sorts of ways to numb. Everybody does it. Some people will simply stonewall and just try to shut their whole mind down and go inside and push it down, which is never a good lasting solution because it's always bubbling underneath the surface. So you don't want to be in this predicament where you're now coupling one form of suffering with another, and when you're taking something like depression and then piling alcohol on it or piling pharmaceuticals or piling some sort of prescription drugs, that you might be using as an indulgence, it really becomes a cocktail of disaster. You don't want to be in that sort of situation.

So the first step is to understand that you're using the fact that you're suffering to justify something that you know at the deepest level is in fact an indulgence. And the second form of starting the path to rehabilitation is obviously you've got to figure out how it is. You're going to become aware of these internal subconscious patterns that are holding you at bay, and you've got to figure out how to reverse those, clearly. You've got to understand the very simple, direct strategies and insights that will help you turn that type of thing around. Now, forgive me because I just actually skipped to number seven, I forgot number six.

So number six is that when you're in a state of suffering, you actually will make it very difficult for somebody to leave you and that's another form in which we will use our suffering subconsciously to try to manipulate other people. Again, not a really nice thing to think about, but it is absolutely true. It is a pattern that undeniably shows in my work, time and time again with individuals I work with through all sorts of different forms of psychological suffering. So if you're in a state of depression, you're in chronic anxiety. you're having anxiety attacks, you're dealing with substance abuse, whatever, it's as if you had like cancer or something like that, somebody's gonna feel guilty about potentially ending a relationship even if over a very long period of time, you've actually been draining their batteries for a long period, they don't feel energized around you and they know that being in the relationship is not best for them, you can end up using this to try to make sure that you're accounting for the fear you have that they may leave you.

So when you're particularly afraid somebody might leave you, you will especially cling to your problem and amplify it subconsciously so that the person will feel guilty and hopefully decide to not leave you, and that's just a game that no one wants to play. That is not how you need to be living your life. There's so much better ways to improve your relationships, to improve your mental health and improve your overall spiritual journey of growth. So that's no fun for anybody. Number eight. You can actually use your suffering as a way to dominate other people. So not just keep them from leaving you, not just justify leaving people but actually dominate other people. So one of the most common ways in which this is used is, especially for individuals who are suicidal, who are vocally suicidal, so in my experience, there are essentially two forms of suicidal individuals, the individuals that are trying to push all their feelings down and went up getting to a spot where they believe that they have to take matters in their own hands, that they have to create some form of a solution to their problem because no one else would understand what they're going through, and no one else is going to be able to actually help them and therefore they arrive at the conclusion that the only thing that could possibly do is in their own life. That was the form of suicidal person that I was during my darkest period of my life.

The second form of suicidal person is the suicidal person who is much more visible and vocal about it. This is the individual who has had attempts but the attempts were maybe not as thought through or as serious or as very intentional to actually in their life, but when we actually look at the actual deep down reason we realized it was actually a cry for help, that these people were consciously choosing to try to get somebody to notice what was happening. I'm not at all saying that they were just trying to get attention, although I have to do my due diligence as a professional and point out that yes, that is a piece of this equation.

But the other piece of the equation is that they do want help, that they do want to get out of their situation and, especially when they feel like no one is listening to them or feeling like they're being taken seriously, putting a visible cut somewhere or engaging in self harm practices can be very often the subconscious speaking out and saying, "Hey, we got to put a signal out there somehow to get somebody's attention." I'm not at all justifying it, I'm not. All saying that it should be behavior that's pursued. There are far better ways to actually raise your hand and say "hey, can I get some help," but it is very often what the subconscious mind will lead us to do. So, we can end up dominating other people with threats of suicide, by using our suffering as a weapon against other people. It's again, not a nice thing to think about, but it is true and it's important to understand. Now number nine. Number nine reason why we cling to our suffering is because we get significance from our suffering. So we have a culture that prides significance in a very big way, especially on individualist terms, everything comes down to, in one sense, what we've achieved and what we've done and how many stars there are on our chart, and so very often, you'll see, and you don't necessarily have to be around people who are depressed or filled with anxiety to notice this issue, but what you'll see very often is a one- ups-manship of how bad we have it, and again, that is just a game I'm not interested in being the winner of, I don't know about you, but there are so many better ways to live the game of life than to be trying to go around your world claiming that you have the biggest problem in the room, and that therefore you deserve the most attention and significance.

So again, not a fun thing to think about, not a very comfortable thing to recognize as a pattern in yourself, but a very important thing to recognize so you can start the path of rehabilitation. People are addicted to having problems and that is a big reason why they actually cling to them, and one of the ways in which you'll actually see this happen is when somebody has depression, anxiety, traumatic disorder or PTSD or one of these sorts of things, and they've ascribed a label to themselves, one thing that will happen, watch for this, if this is you, watch out for this and if you're a friend of somebody who's got this type of disorder, keep an eye out for this, but what will happen in so many cases is the individual who has the suffering will start talking about their suffering, and then the friend or the family member or whoever will try to be supportive, will try to encourage the other person, will try to tell them, "hey, maybe things aren't so bad, maybe you actually have things to be grateful for or things to be positive about or maybe all you need to do is go talk to somebody or whatever the case is, and what's really fascinating is when somebody in their life tries to actually help them, the person who suffering will very often snap back at that person or completely dismiss their advice and the reason is that at the subconscious level, they want to hold on to their problem.

They don't want somebody to come to them and say, "hey, maybe you're not depressed," because the depression is the literal way in which they are getting significance, and it doesn't have to be depression by the way, it could be any of these things I've mentioned, substance abuse, whatever the case is, it's all fundamentally the same. It's all fundamentally psychological, That's what it comes down to, and if you learn how to reverse those patterns and interrupt them and replace them, then you master the entire equation. You never have to live in fear ever again. But this is one of the critical ways that we have to understand that we end up clinging to our problems is we come significant because of our problems.

Again, this is one of those profound needs. I mentioned those six needs. Connection is one of them, significance is another one. Every human being has got to feel that they're unique, special, worthy of attention and love in some unique way, they have to feel significant, and if we don't have an empowering vehicle by which we will feel significant, if we're not getting significance because of our contributions to other people or because of our career because of improving our health or any of these sorts of empowering vehicles, we will end up clinging to a disempowering vehicle that actually conflicts with our deepest values and definitions of who we are in order to meet these profound needs that we have.

So if we understand that and if we can notice that pattern in ourselves and others, we can start to actually chart how we could actually use an empowering vehicle to meet our need for significance as opposed to a disempowering vehicle. So that's a very important thing to take note of. Now the tenth and final reason why people cling to their problems is because they have assimilated it as a part of their identity. And this is where change becomes particularly difficult and this is why I have such a sincere professional disagreement with the majority of professionals in the mental health space who seek to diagnose and label people, giving them labels such as generalized anxiety, disorder, manic depressive disorder, bipolar disorder, type A and type B.

All of it fundamentally, at the mechanical level of your nervous system comes down to temporary, changeable, controllable psychological patterns. Let me ask you, have you ever had a time in your life where you either picked up a habit or you dropped a habit? Maybe you started working out consistently or you went from being obese to dieting or just the opposite perhaps, or maybe you started smoking cigarettes or you quit cigarettes or whatever the case was. Think of a time like that where you had to make a serious life change and remember how foreign that new behavior was for a while until it became automatic. Well, the mind works exactly the same way. It comes down to a matter of conditioning, but the problem is it's happening at the subconscious level.

These issues of mental health are happening at a level that goes deeper than our conscious mind, meaning that we can't just use self-help methods and quick tips and little things like that actually create a fully sustainable solution in which we eliminate the problem from the source. That requires an experienced guide who understands the mechanisms of the subconscious mind and can help you actually learn the very simple daily disciplines you need to reverse your own psychological conditioning so that you can make sure that instead of habitually becoming depressed and habitually becoming filled with anxiety, you can actually shift your emotional center of gravity so that your new center of gravity becomes a place of joy, excitement, exhilaration, passion, wonder, curiosity. It doesn't mean you're never going to get stressed again, doesn't mean you're never going to get angry again, but it makes it so that instead of you being at a level seven depressed on most days, and therefore on your bad days you go to like a 10, it means that most days you'll actually be joyful. You'll be confident.

You'll be excited. It means our emotional center of gravity has shifted, so even when life comes at you and throws unexpected things at you, you're prepared, you're ready, you're more resourceful, your emotional fitness has been increased. That's the journey that I take my clients through and the journey that I think you wish for yourself as well. You want to not just be able to have a quick fix. You want to be able to take this problem from the root and tear it out and be able to make sure you don't have to live in fear of it dominating you anymore. So anyway, I'm sorry, quick aside, but the tenth and final reason I mentioned is identity.

So when we get these labels, when we go to a professional and they give us one of these labels, guess what happens. Something that is actually a changeable, controllable, temporary psychological pattern now becomes part of who we believe we are, and it becomes much more difficult to change an actual pattern of behavior or thought when you believe it's a part of who you are, when you believe it's a disease you have, when you believe that you are broken, as opposed to simply, you got off track and you need a little bit more coaching and processing to make sure that you get the right strategies to get back on track.

And hey, look I did it. You're probably skeptical that this is something can actually turn around for you and you know what, to be honest, I'm not sure if it is either because you also have to have three characteristics in order to make lasting change in any area, without a doubt, regardless of whether you work with me and my team to make it happen or somebody else. So if you're curious what those are, if you're curious, if this is something you can actually turn around and a quick period of time, I encourage you shoot us a message, schedule a call with us, do whatever you need to do so that you can actually get the answers you need to actually figure out how you can fully eliminate this problem of yours and get on a path of real sustainable progress. It's possible, it can be yours. I'm excited to talk to you again soon. Take care for now.

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