How to Create Alignment with Anyone

SUMMARY

Ever had difficulty convincing someone of something you knew was correct? We all have. Most influencers are making a HUGE mistake when they engage in conversation, and they don't even realize it.

The problem is that most influencers start a conversation with their mind already made up, and in their mind the other person is definitively wrong. Every word that comes out of their mouth is filtered through a holier than thou lens to some extent which the other party immediately picks up on. Feeling the need to defend their position, the other party becomes even more assured in their original belief and becomes further and further less influenceable. Sound like some of your conversations?

I'm sure you can remember plenty of times when someone implied or said outright that you were wrong about something. How much did you care about what that person had to say after that? Did you intuitively agree or go "Wait a minute, no I'm not" and search for justifications?

If we want to influence someone else we have to care about reaching them more than we care about appearing to be right. The interesting and counterintuitive reality is that the more open to their ideas you are, the more flexible you will be able to be in your approach, and the more effectively you will be able to create real and lasting influence with the other person.

It all comes down to understanding, appreciating, and entering their model of the world. An easy first step to make this happen is to listen until they run out of things to say. The more you listen and ask questions that will allow you to truly understand why they believe what they believe, the more easily you will be able to see gaps in their understanding or opportunities to reframe their current belief system.

If you are selling a product and your prospective customer is not wanting to buy, you need to get deeply curious about why this is, understand there is a real reason underneath the surface, and compassionately probe for answers all from a place of wanting to meet their needs profoundly. If they get a sense that you are really in it for yourself, you've lost the opportunity to really reach another soul which is what influence is all about anyway.

But once you ask the right questions and pinpoint that they are worried about price, their model of the world becomes more fleshed out to you. Now you can see that perhaps you haven't demonstrated the real value of the product sufficiently to them so that they associate pain to not acting as opposed to associating pain to acting. 

By understanding that cost versus value is a primary factor in their decision making, you now know what contrast to make in order for them to see clearly that taking action does align with their needs. But if you are too busy arguing with your customer, this would never be possible. In order to influence someone, learn what is already influencing them.

FURTHER EDUCATION

• I put together a free mini-course on how to take control of your personal psychology and accelerate your progress. Check it out here.
• I assembled three of my favorite trainings on how to effectively and ethically influence anyone into a completely free mini course. Get it here.
• Looking to get a better handle on your financial future? Check out my free introductory trainings here on how to handle this area for good.

QUOTE CARDS

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT

 What I really want to give you guys, hopefully, is the gift of understanding some of the big mistakes that influencers make when they're trying to reach somebody else; when they're trying to create transformation, whether it's a single conversation, whether it's a group setting whether it's long term leadership with an organization, I want to share with you some of the common pitfalls I've seen working with the tens of thousands of folks that I have helped train over the years.

And I can tell you that the single biggest enemy to effective influence and leadership or any context is ego and fear. Have you guys ever been in a situation where you're trying to convince somebody of something else and they challenge you; they tell you that they think you're wrong, and then all of the sudden you feel defensive and you feel like you need to stand your ground. How many of you guys have this experience? 

Fantastic, and how many of you guys have ever had the experience where you've been trying to influence somebody else and unfortunately, you fell into the ego trap of calling them out and calling them wrong and then they became further polarized in their own position? How many of you guys have committed that fatal errors say "I". [Audience: "I"] 

Right, it's the default setting. Do you guys get that? It's the fight or flight kind of response that's happening in the mind. What I help people understand is that this brain is a fantastic machine. It can do amazing things. It still can compute faster than the world's fastest computers. It can help you solve problems incredibly quickly.

But the challenge is that it became so powerful because it's a fantastic machine at figuring out what could potentially be wrong in our environment. And that worked out fantastic for our ancestors who had to be worried about danger lurking all around them... but it doesn't work so great for us who are now living in essentially abundance by global standards. We have our basic needs provided for us, yet our brain is always constantly looking for what's wrong, okay?

So I tell you that because when you're in a situation with the potential to have effective influence, what's happening is when somebody challenges you and says that you're wrong, that fight or flight response shows up. Essentially your brain is telling you that your life is on the line, even though it's not, and so, what happens is you think that you have to get into the sort of evolutionary protective mode. You think that you have to stand your ground and you think that the only way to make your own self certain and assured of what you believe is to even more fervently stand behind your position and that's never going to be able to be effective in terms of reaching somebody else.

In fact, when you guys have had those moments, what happens at the end? Do either of you get closer to each others belief systems or do you both get further away and more certain? Second one right? And if you're, a leader in any capacity, what you have got to be able to do is get alignment. And if there's any central principle that I'd love for you to walk away with today, it would be for you to understand that if you want to be a leader you've got to be able to create alignment.

And what I mean by alignment is that even in a point of disagreement, even when somebody on your team has a severe disagreement with what it is that you're doing.... What you've got to be able to do is align and then redirect. And this is also a strategy that you should be able to use in any situation where you're trying to influence and you have an objection.

So if you're trying to capture notes here's what I would ask you to commit to memory: whenever facing an objection do not disagree, align then redirect. So what do I mean by this? Well, we just explored what happens when you've got a point of disagreement with somebody and you affirm that disagreement right? Both of you go back into your own corners and you become more further crystallized in what it is that you stood for previously.

So to align and then redirect is to be able to first appreciate and understand what their model of the world is, to enter it, to make sure that they understand that you are coming from a place of real caring and compassion, and then to shift that model of the world. Alright, so let me give you a metaphor. Let's say we had a map of Los Altos and we put it out on the table here, a two dimensional map.

You guys are very familiar with this. Obviously, and on that map you intuitively know that the map is not equivalent to the actual territory that it represents, right? And there are some pieces that may not be perfect to scale. There will be some things that are missing. There will be some things that are added in that just don't exist. The colors will be off, etcetera right? It's an imperfect representation. The map does not equal the territory. You all follow the metaphor?

Well the mind works in a very similar way. That is to say that we have our own sort of internal guiding map of what our life experience is, what our potential choices in life are, what our values are, whatever the case is. And that's a map that does not necessarily equate to some everlasting objective, one all sense of reality for example. I mean for instance, just think in a broad picture culturally.

Think of all of the different religions all across the world and how if you're born in a particular place it's not necessarily determined, but there is a large chance that you're going to adopt the religious beliefs of the culture that you're born into or one of the prevalent ones that exist in that area, right? Do you see what I mean?

So that's in one way how our map is constructed over time, kind of automatically. I like to say by reaction, and this could also mean that your map has got some things in it that you've purposefully chosen where perhaps, let's say you decided at one point in your life, that there was a habit that you were demonstrating or a way that you were acting that you no longer wanted.

Let me ask you this: how many of you guys have ever been in a relationship for way too long, say "I." [audience: "I"] Alright, okay. We all have been there right, so that's what I'm talking about when I say a shift in the map, 'cause at one point you had a map that said "Oh, it will be okay. This is just temporary, they're going through a tough time. I'm going through a tough time," right? 

You had a certain belief system of reality that was one way, and then what happened was there was a deep enough chasm between your current life conditions and what you really were committed to producing in your life, and all of a sudden your map shifted and said "No, never again," right? You reach a point of threshold.

So we have multiple maps that can shift, but let me give you a more concrete metaphor. Let's say you're hit by like a car and your leg breaks or something like that. Some people will look at that and say, "Man, this is God punishing me," okay? Well, some people will say "you know what, this is God challenging me." You get what I mean? That's two different maps that describe the same exact situation, and it's not necessarily important to say, "well, which one is correct?" Well, they both are and neither are, but for you to be able to say "which one is going to get me closer to where I actually want to go?"

That's the more important question. You all see what I mean now? So, let's bring this back now to the context of influence. So if you're trying to get somebody to be open minded to, let's say, the project, you want to have the direction you want to take the organization or a particular idea, maybe you're just having a philosophical conversation with somebody... the biggest fatal error you could possibly do is to say "Hey, your map is BS" and to make it wrong, even though that's intuitively where we all go.

So what we have to be able to do is not disagree, but be able to align and then redirect. And so what this means is to say not "you're wrong," but to say perhaps "I can absolutely appreciate where you're coming from and that's why I think that we need to pay attention to this specific challenge," for example.

And so it's always going to be tempting for you to slide back into that sort of fight or flight response where your ego is on the line and you feel like you have got to double down and you've got to reaffirm what you believe in or else you're going to look like a fool in front of everybody.

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