Leadership is Influence

SUMMARY

No matter who you are or where you are in your life, you are a leader of some sort – there's no doubt about it. And if you are going to lead anyone towards a particular outcome, you have to have skills of effective influence. No set of skills is more critical to getting what you want in business and in life.

I was never a natural leader, and for a long time was terrified of taking charge in a situation involving others. One of the biggest mistakes that I made as I was stepping my toes into leadership positions is not realizing that a majority of the words I would share with others would completely fall on deaf ears. I'm sure you've had a similar experience where you just can't seem to break through to your client, your prospect, your team, or your supervisor just to name a few.

One thing that I came to understand must be honored is how distinct different people's models of the world can be. This is a mistake that we all make, some more than others. We all know that people have different opinions – that's largely a given. But I'm speaking of something a bit bigger.

People not only have a different assessment of a situation, but they arrive at that assessment differently. They have different lenses that they are wearing that filter what they see and don't see, what they pay attention to, and what they miss. This is to say that we not only have differences of opinion but we have different processing systems for arriving at decisions.

The insight here is that, if you are a leader attempting to generate buy in for the direction you believe is the correct one, you will not get each individual bought in via the same method. The most common error that leaders make – I know I certainly have made it many times – is attempting to influence others by saying and doing what they know influences them. This tactic will work great if each person you are attempting to influence thinks exactly like you, but as you've probably discovered quite painfully, there is virtually no one who thinks exactly like you!

When you are going into your next board room meeting or sitting down with a member of your team, you've got to understand what moves them. Not what you think should move them, but what already influences them.

People make decisions for many different reasons. Each person's decision making process is like a combination lock. In order for them to feel that they can congruently move forward, a specific set of conditions must be met.

Do everything you can to elicit someone else's model of the world. Ask them questions that will help you see what has moved them in the past and that will help you understand what specific meaning they are attributing to their current experiences.

You will only get someone to follow you when they truly believe that you know where they are coming from, when you can enter their model of the world from that entry point, and then when you can show why your route will get them closer to what you've acknowledged is their truest intention.

Humans have a tendency to life too much in their own heads, too associated to their own values, fears, desires, opinions, and analyses. The danger is that, the more time we spend in our heads, the less we are able to create the bridge of influence with others that depends on a deep level of rapport.

FURTHER EDUCATION

• I put together a free mini-course on how to take control of your personal psychology and accelerate your progress. Check it out here.
• I assembled three of my favorite trainings on how to effectively and ethically influence anyone into a completely free mini course. Get it here.
• Looking to get a better handle on your financial future? Check out my free introductory trainings here on how to handle this area for good.

QUOTE CARDS

TRANSCRIPT

All leadership is influence. If you want to have the most effective skills necessary to move your life forward, I would venture to say that you need the skills of effective, lasting and ethical influence. So I like to call this influencing with integrity.

When I was beginning my work with individuals and I was recruiting on a mass scale – thousands of people across the country – I started to understand that there were real principles and distinctions between those who could get other people to take action and those who couldn't I started to realize that there were real, identifiable, reducible systems and principles between those individuals who are able to get buy-in for their ideas; who were able to get people to invest in them; who are able to get people enlisted in a cause, and those who failed to do so, right?

How many of you guys would like to be able to influence anybody with integrity? How many of you think that that might be useful for moving your life forward? Say "I" [audience: "I"]. Okay, so I certainly don't know all the answers and I never will. I'll be a student for the rest of my life, just like all of you guys will be. 

But what I've been focused on is trying to understand what are the reducible, most significant answers that can help somebody shift their ability to influence in any situation.

And so, as I mentioned to you, the first thing that you absolutely must be able to do is acknowledge, appreciate, and enter someone else's model of the world. Because if you are committing the absolute fatal fallacy of standing behind your own model of the world unflinchingly and caring more about being right than you care about actually reaching someone and magnetically pulling them over to what it is that you believe or what you hope to empower them through, then you'll never reach them. Let's think of something concrete. 

Think back to a time when somebody was trying to sell you something okay? And let's say, a time where they were unsuccessful. Can you guys all think of that time? You got a moment in your mind where someone was trying to sell you something or get you to do something and they were unsuccessful? Can you think of that?

So here's what I'm curious of... Could you tell that they were in it for you or for themselves? Themselves right? Can you think of any time where somebody was trying to influence you and you knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that they cared more about meeting their own bottom line than they cared about empowering you? Was that influential for you? Did that move you across the action threshold and get you to take action?

More than likely, not unless you absolutely knew already that you needed that thing or you absolutely needed to do it and you're like "Okay, this person is a crappy salesman, and I really don't like them, but I need this anyway." Unless you had enough leverage on yourself already.

So let me ask you a different question. Can you think of a time when someone was trying to get you to do something, and you didn't want to do it initially, but they were so committed, and they were so compassionate, and they so firmly believed that you taking action was going to be in your best interest that eventually you were persuaded? How many of you guys have had an experience like this say "I." [audience: "I"]

What is going on there? Isn't it fantastic to understand that the door to effective influence is opened with the key of compassion? If you have not established that absolute heartfelt appreciation for your audience; if you are not committed to serving them over fulfilling your own needs to be seen in a certain way egotistically, or to be, you know, to appear a certain way or be perceived a certain way, you're never going to be able to reach someone.

But what's so fascinating is even if somebody's level of certainty in what you're trying to empower them to do is so low, if your certainty is so high and you have got absolutely committed compassion that you were meeting that certainty with, you can bring them over. Do you all see that?

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