The Gift My Suicidal Depression Gave Me

When I was 13 years old, I had a plan to kill myself. While this was perhaps the most painful period of my entire life, so much so that I avoided speaking of it for ten years, it turned out to be the greatest gift I could have ever received. I hope that the lessons I learned from this time may serve in some way as a gift to you as well.

It's a very strange thing to think back to that time of my life that was a decade ago and put myself into the shoes of that troubled teenager. Remembering the swirl of emotions, thoughts, and endless questions that were permeating his mind on a daily basis and contrasting them with the sheer gratitude I have for my current life invokes disbelief that that person was at one point me.

No one noticed that the depression was setting in and becoming so serious, and frankly there is no reason they should have suspected it. The depression set in over a period of many months, and the spiral of my dark thought patterns got wider and deeper as time went on.

I never exhibited clear, outward signs, however, as some people do. I think this is important to note because I've come to realize that depression is not a very visible phenomenon. It's virtually impossible that you don't know someone who is feeling considerable emotional pain on a regular basis even if you cannot tell on the surface. At this time of my life, I made it a point to hide my feelings from those who had the power to do something about it, and knowing this makes me more keenly aware today of the need to let others know that they have a space in which they are invited to be heard and understood.

The feelings I had towards my home life were a big factor in this trying period. I want to be clearly understood that my parents are extraordinary people who I am blessed to have in my life. The relationship we have now is very different from the one we had at this troubling time, however. At the time, my parents were fighting very frequently for prolonged periods of time, and I often felt trapped in this place of seemingly constant negativity. It was emotionally exhausting to be around, never quite knowing when the powder keg would go off or if I would be involved in the explosion. I often didn't know how to act or what to do, which was a difficult experience when you're trying to figure out who you really are. I dreaded coming home, and alternate living options did not seem viable.

Beyond home, school was the most significant force in my life. I was not a particularly popular kid, and I often felt insecure and lonely even though I did have several good friends in reality. The tipping point in my depression for me came when I was dating a girl who I thought I was madly in love with and who ended up dating my best friend behind my back. I then had felt betrayed by the two most important people to me, and now I felt that I had absolutely no one to talk to.

Looking back, this little romance at the age of 13 seems so inconsequential but at the time it was the center of my entire universe. I mention this because I think that we can often desensitize ourselves to the pain others may be feeling because, to us, their experience seems inconsequential. But this is not the point. If you hope to identify if others in your life are depressed you must be sensitized to their experience of their life events first before you can help.

Once I had finally gotten to the point in my mind that the decision to kill myself was final, I remember feeling an immense amount of relief and gratitude. Ironically, once I knew there was an end in sight to the pain I was experiencing, I was able to feel joy again. I would later learn that this is an experience that is common amongst depressives and that, for this reason, it is important to be mindful of individuals who fluctuate from extreme sadness to extreme joy.

After I had decided to end my life, I knew that I wanted to have some sort of a goodbye with the the people I cared about. I had told everyone at school that that day was going to be my last day because I was moving to another state, when really I secretly had plans to end my life that afternoon.

The only people that I had confided in with my real plan were two of my closest friends who I had opened up to and shared why I felt that this was the best thing for me to do. They expressed a great deal of concern and had tried to talk me down, but my mind became more and more certain over a period of months. I pressured them to swear to keep my secret, and they reluctantly agreed. I had given my best friend a series of letters that I had written for a number of my friends at school to be dispersed after I was gone. When I handed him those papers we both knew that this was really it. 

My plan ultimately did not go through not because I changed my mind but out of sheer chance – perhaps grace. Thankfully, my best friend's mother happened to find the letters in his backpack and demanded an explanation. After he shared the grim reality behind the letters, she contacted the school who got in touch with my parents right away.

Once I was sat down by them, I remember feeling absolute dread at the fact that I would not get the solace I had desired and that now my family, my friends, and my entire school would forever look at me differently. Yet, now, I can see that this intervention was the most significant act of compassion ever extended to me.

The next few months were messy and formative ones. My parents extended deep compassion to me throughout the entire process, and we came to new understandings with each other about the kind of relationships we would need to thrive as a family. We established a level of understanding and communication that I never before thought would have been possible. Today, our relationship has never been better, and neither has their marriage.

Re-establishing myself in the culture of my school was a challenging experience. I had already felt alone enough before everyone knew I was suicidal, and now I felt like a freak. Most people kept their distance as I returned to school, and I had to summon a great deal of emotional fortitude to resist the teenage temptation to feel the despair of being ostracized.

That fear of being judged and rejected is why I didn't talk about this period of my life for close to ten years. By the time I had gotten through the worst of the recovery process, the only way I thought I could move my life forward would be to completely shut the door on those previous motivations and pretend it never happened. I didn't want my future self to be burdened with the limited, painful identity that I had had as a suicidal, 13-year-old.

This strategy worked well enough to get me through high school and to get started in college where no one knew the story of my past at all. It was helpful to put everything behind me so definitively and to embrace the next chapter of my life with a clean slate.

What I failed to realize at the time, however, was that shutting the door on things and refusing to let them be associated with your identity is still a limiting and still subtly painful experience. True reconciliation requires completing the past – confronting those realities head on, uncovering the sources of the issues, and integrating the lessons they taught you fully. This is what it means to refuse to live a fragmented life, constantly feeling like you have to push away memories of the past or fears of the future, and to instead feel freedom as an integrated whole.

It wasn't until my later years of college and the first few years of my career when I began to realize that I couldn't ignore that time of my life and the role it played in shaping who I was any more, and I didn't need to. What I came to understand is that my suicidal depression was my life's greatest gift because it made me realize just how powerful the mind is if we do not master it, and it made me understand how precious each moment of life is in a way that I never would have otherwise.

I began to have a real affinity for learning how the mind works; I wanted to know how I got to be in such a dark place of my mind and how to help others keep from jumping off the ledge. I wanted to know what separates individuals who are born with nothing but become shining examples in life versus those who are born into privilege and end up becoming warnings to us all of how not to live. I knew that the answer lied somewhere in understanding psychology.

Once I realized some years later that I had really made it back from the brink and now had a second chance, I had no intentions of squandering it or simply taking up space while living on this planet. I knew I had to give something profound back and help others out from the dark places of their mind.

I'm now extraordinarily blessed to help others understand their minds in a way that empowers them beat the challenges of anxiety, depression, anger, fear, and helps them learn how to tap into their full mental faculties to become the joyous masters of their lives, as we all deserve to be.

When I think back to what that younger version of me was experiencing, my heart breaks. It just makes me want to communicate with him some how so that he could know that I – his future self – exists and that things can and do get better. I just want to give him a hug and give him that feeling of being understood that he really wanted.

I would tell him that the significance of his life will be defined not by the pain that he currently is in but by the meaning that he forges from it and decides to use to serve others. I would tell him that even though the painful period he is in now feels eternal, it is infinitely small compared to the lifetime of joy, wonder, growth, and contribution awaiting beyond it.

I would tell him that his ability to know just how painful life can be will become his greatest asset in his service to the world and that, one day, he may help someone else confront their pain and use it rather than let it use them.

FURTHER EDUCATION

• I put together a free mini-course on how to take control of your personal psychology and accelerate your progress. Check it out here.
• I assembled three of my favorite trainings on how to effectively and ethically influence anyone into a completely free mini course. Get it here.
• Looking to get a better handle on your financial future? Check out my free introductory trainings here on how to handle this area for good.

QUOTE CARDS

TRANSCRIPT

I had a troubled past when I was 13 years old. I was actually suicidal, and thankfully because some people had a lot of compassion and had some skills, I made it back from that brink.

And so I've come to appreciate what happens if we don't master what's going onin the mind, and all around me I'm seeing exemplary individuals who are showing us what we can do with the human condition... And so I think that if we can uncode what's happening in the mind, we can really unlock that for others, and I just want to give that back as best I can.

I think what happened for me is in high school, I was trying to figure out "who the hell am I going to be?" and "what am I going to do?" as all of us did, and I didn't really have an answer. And I saw a documentary about some of the social issues that were happening around the country and around the world, and I said "Wow, there's a lot of people suffering out there, and you know I better not just take up space while I'm on this planet. I better give something back."

I'm not necessarily religious or spiritual in any sort of traditional sense, but I do think that we've all been afforded incredible gifts by whatever creator It is that you ascribe to, and I think that it's a travesty for any of us to leave anything on the table. I'm just trying to do my part and become as effective as I can in contributing to others. 

We're all on the clock, you know. I mean we all know of these situations where somebody who thought they had the their whole life ahead of them, and it was gone or you know maybe they did have their whole life, they lived it, and then at the end they realized that they never really got clear about what they wanted.

I'm grateful that I started asking the right questions at a young age, because now I'm just trying to pack as much life experience as I possibly can in the time I have, however long that is. I've also realized that the real key to fulfillment for anybody is to stop focusing on yourself and to focus on others.

When I was depressed... and the people I work with now, I'm so blessed to be able to work with people who are trying to repair their relationships or who are trying to beat depression, anxiety or whatever the case is, and one thing I can tell you is, if you're in emotional pain; If you're feeling a sense of limitation, the biggest problem is that you're focused on yourself.

You will not experience emotional pain if you're focused firstly on contributing to others. Because from that place, you demand more from yourself than you thought was possible. You will rise to the occasion, and I think that that's a lesson I try to impart wherever I can go.

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